[Joseph sees the look on Caesar's face, sees the way he's gripping the counter, and it all reads like panic. Against his better judgment, Joseph steps in closer. He's screwed this up, hasn't he? He didn't think it through and there's no do-over. There's no taking it back. But Joseph doesn't do well with quitting. He doesn't want to quit. He has to try something, so he tries.]
Please just— [Joseph stops himself, looking at the flowers briefly. He's not going to sound like he's begging Caesar. That's not going to help. He draws a shaky breath and looks Caesar in the eye.] Just listen, alright? That's all I'm— That's all I'm asking for.
[He should probably wait for an answer, but he doesn't. At the very least, he doesn't touch Caesar. He wants to. He hates seeing Caesar this tense and this uncomfortable, but he's afraid if he touches Caesar right now, he won't listen. He'll only lash out and that point, let his panic and likely confusion shift over into anger because that's easier to manage. Joseph doesn't think he could take Caesar being angry with him right now, at least not that angry, and his eyes start to sting just thinking about it. He blinks rapidly, trying not to get angry with himself for reacting that way because not right now, and he forges on ahead.]
I've been trying for...almost a month now, trying to figure out a way to tell you. I don't— I don't know how long I've felt this way, but I just... I don't expect anything, okay? I don't. I— [Joseph shakes his head a little. He's trying to explain, trying to make everything make sense and take some of the pressure off, but he's doing a piss-poor job of it when his own panic is starting to rear its ugly head.] I can't pretend like I don't feel this way and I can't lie to you about something like that. I can't lie to you about anything.
I love you. I just want you to know that and that's it.
[Except that's not all of it right now because he still wants to touch Caesar. He wants to touch him and hold him and let him know that way that it's going to be okay. But he still doesn't dare and he knows that for Caesar's sake, he has to acquiesce to what Caesar wants no matter what that might be, as painful as some of the options might seem even just contemplating them.]
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Please just— [Joseph stops himself, looking at the flowers briefly. He's not going to sound like he's begging Caesar. That's not going to help. He draws a shaky breath and looks Caesar in the eye.] Just listen, alright? That's all I'm— That's all I'm asking for.
[He should probably wait for an answer, but he doesn't. At the very least, he doesn't touch Caesar. He wants to. He hates seeing Caesar this tense and this uncomfortable, but he's afraid if he touches Caesar right now, he won't listen. He'll only lash out and that point, let his panic and likely confusion shift over into anger because that's easier to manage. Joseph doesn't think he could take Caesar being angry with him right now, at least not that angry, and his eyes start to sting just thinking about it. He blinks rapidly, trying not to get angry with himself for reacting that way because not right now, and he forges on ahead.]
I've been trying for...almost a month now, trying to figure out a way to tell you. I don't— I don't know how long I've felt this way, but I just... I don't expect anything, okay? I don't. I— [Joseph shakes his head a little. He's trying to explain, trying to make everything make sense and take some of the pressure off, but he's doing a piss-poor job of it when his own panic is starting to rear its ugly head.] I can't pretend like I don't feel this way and I can't lie to you about something like that. I can't lie to you about anything.
I love you. I just want you to know that and that's it.
[Except that's not all of it right now because he still wants to touch Caesar. He wants to touch him and hold him and let him know that way that it's going to be okay. But he still doesn't dare and he knows that for Caesar's sake, he has to acquiesce to what Caesar wants no matter what that might be, as painful as some of the options might seem even just contemplating them.]