[That alone would be enough to make his head spin, if it wasn't already. A month, a whole month, of Joseph wanting to tell him something and not doing it. Controlling himself that well, sitting on it for that long, keeping silent throughout all of this because they're happy and he doesn't want to ruin it, but he doesn't want to lie, either.]
[Is that what it is? That he's stuck between two difficult options, trying to make the best of a ridiculous situation? And it is ridiculous, because he's not — Joseph shouldn't love him. Joseph should love Suzie, who is such a better person to love, who will make him happy and give him a family and smile at him and make him laugh instead of scowling and pushing him around, Suzie who is so beautiful and deserves the best, and he doesn't, and Suzie, his Suzie, their Suzie, he can't, he can't.]
[I want to.]
[He starts a little, seemingly out of nowhere. I want to, he thinks, and again, I want to, and rolls it around in his head a few times, tries to fit it into everything, everything, everything.]
[He does. He wants to. And once he figures it out, once he realizes, he can't un-realize it. If it's love (and it feels like it, but he doesn't know, not really, how would he), then it's the kind of love that throws you backwards and knocks you dizzy, which is how he feels now, dizzy and short of breath and desperate.]
[But his Suzie, their Suzie, he doesn't . . .]
[He licks his lips. He feels raw, exposed. He wants a lot of things, right now.]
Jojo, I — I. I'm.
[I don't know if I — but I do. Want, need, love, yes. I think — yes.]
no subject
[That alone would be enough to make his head spin, if it wasn't already. A month, a whole month, of Joseph wanting to tell him something and not doing it. Controlling himself that well, sitting on it for that long, keeping silent throughout all of this because they're happy and he doesn't want to ruin it, but he doesn't want to lie, either.]
[Is that what it is? That he's stuck between two difficult options, trying to make the best of a ridiculous situation? And it is ridiculous, because he's not — Joseph shouldn't love him. Joseph should love Suzie, who is such a better person to love, who will make him happy and give him a family and smile at him and make him laugh instead of scowling and pushing him around, Suzie who is so beautiful and deserves the best, and he doesn't, and Suzie, his Suzie, their Suzie, he can't, he can't.]
[I want to.]
[He starts a little, seemingly out of nowhere. I want to, he thinks, and again, I want to, and rolls it around in his head a few times, tries to fit it into everything, everything, everything.]
[He does. He wants to. And once he figures it out, once he realizes, he can't un-realize it. If it's love (and it feels like it, but he doesn't know, not really, how would he), then it's the kind of love that throws you backwards and knocks you dizzy, which is how he feels now, dizzy and short of breath and desperate.]
[But his Suzie, their Suzie, he doesn't . . .]
[He licks his lips. He feels raw, exposed. He wants a lot of things, right now.]
Jojo, I — I. I'm.
[I don't know if I — but I do. Want, need, love, yes. I think — yes.]
. . . Suzie?