[On the surface, to anyone who doesn't have heightened senses, Caesar looks relatively calm. There's a little bit of a somewhat prolonged beat of silence that starts to edge towards uncomfortable before Caesar sighs and seems to let that settle enough to speak again. For most people, they probably wouldn't have noticed, but Elena does. She hears that spike in his heartrate, sees the way his pupils dilate, and that subtle change in his scent. Fear comes off Caesar in waves that he's not even aware of, but as a predatory creature Elena can't help but be specifically tuned towards.]
[But it doesn't inspire a bloodlust like it might in others like her. Maybe Elena's too young of a vampire to make that clear distinction between her species and humanity yet, but she instantly feels a pang of what she can only describe as "not good" in her chest. It flashes through her mind that maybe this was a mistake. She wants to look away. Elena isn't the sort of person who ever would have gotten off on making someone feel the way Caesar does, but she makes herself look because she feels he deserves that much. He deserves her bravery, not cowardice.]
I'm sorry. About your father.
[It might seem like an empty thing to say, but she means it. It's not how her parents died, but she understands what it's like to lose a parent too soon and being left with more questions than answers. And it's important for her to say because no matter what, she's kicked up feelings about that loss.]
I've been avoiding telling people in general, [she confesses. Elena wants to say because people tend to think the worst, they tend to be terrified. But it seems like calling him out on something he hasn't explicitly shared with her.] I haven't hurt anyone here. I'm not going to. I don't want to. The only people I've hurt... The first person I killed was because he was trying to kill my brother. I didn't...
[She almost says she didn't mean to. Which is both completely true and false at the same time. She didn't really want to kill him. She felt horrible afterwards. She still feels horrible about it.]
My emotions are heightened. Everything I would have felt before, I feel longer and more intensely. I was never the sort of person who hurt people let alone killed them as a human, so as a vampire... [Elena licks her lips.] I had a really rough time for a while. Something--[Her voice catches and she draws a steadying breath before trying again and pressing on.] I lost my little brother for a while. And I couldn't handle it. He was the last piece of my family and it was my job to protect him, but I screwed up and he paid the price for it.
I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did. I did some really terrible things. And I still think about it sometimes. But I hate it. I hate knowing that's something I did and I can't take it back. No amount of wishing will ever let me take it back. It's part of me now.
But I would never willingly and I don't want to hurt anyone here. I haven't fed on a human being since around two years ago and I don't plan on starting again. I was using bags of blood before I ended up here and take a pill every day that's enough. I don't have cravings, I don't freak out at the sight or smell of blood, and I'm in control.
no subject
[But it doesn't inspire a bloodlust like it might in others like her. Maybe Elena's too young of a vampire to make that clear distinction between her species and humanity yet, but she instantly feels a pang of what she can only describe as "not good" in her chest. It flashes through her mind that maybe this was a mistake. She wants to look away. Elena isn't the sort of person who ever would have gotten off on making someone feel the way Caesar does, but she makes herself look because she feels he deserves that much. He deserves her bravery, not cowardice.]
I'm sorry. About your father.
[It might seem like an empty thing to say, but she means it. It's not how her parents died, but she understands what it's like to lose a parent too soon and being left with more questions than answers. And it's important for her to say because no matter what, she's kicked up feelings about that loss.]
I've been avoiding telling people in general, [she confesses. Elena wants to say because people tend to think the worst, they tend to be terrified. But it seems like calling him out on something he hasn't explicitly shared with her.] I haven't hurt anyone here. I'm not going to. I don't want to. The only people I've hurt... The first person I killed was because he was trying to kill my brother. I didn't...
[She almost says she didn't mean to. Which is both completely true and false at the same time. She didn't really want to kill him. She felt horrible afterwards. She still feels horrible about it.]
My emotions are heightened. Everything I would have felt before, I feel longer and more intensely. I was never the sort of person who hurt people let alone killed them as a human, so as a vampire... [Elena licks her lips.] I had a really rough time for a while. Something--[Her voice catches and she draws a steadying breath before trying again and pressing on.] I lost my little brother for a while. And I couldn't handle it. He was the last piece of my family and it was my job to protect him, but I screwed up and he paid the price for it.
I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did. I did some really terrible things. And I still think about it sometimes. But I hate it. I hate knowing that's something I did and I can't take it back. No amount of wishing will ever let me take it back. It's part of me now.
But I would never willingly and I don't want to hurt anyone here. I haven't fed on a human being since around two years ago and I don't plan on starting again. I was using bags of blood before I ended up here and take a pill every day that's enough. I don't have cravings, I don't freak out at the sight or smell of blood, and I'm in control.