mylegacy: <user name="sawakonosadako" site="tumblr.com"> (○ it's in the past)
Caesar Zeppeli ([personal profile] mylegacy) wrote2015-11-22 06:54 pm

ic inbox ( ruby city )



"Leave a message, per favore; I'll be back before you know it."

[text|voice|video]
nextlineis: (★ take that jump)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-09 07:33 am (UTC)(link)
I don't... I don't know.

[It's not that he hasn't put any thought into it because he's spent nearly as much time thinking about how to tell Caesar as he's tried to predict the fall-out with Holly and Jotaro, especially. But he really doesn't have the answer to the question that Caesar's asking.]

I don't know how all of that is going to go in the end. I didn't even before I realized what I feel for you. So complicating something I don't even really know in the first place just doesn't...

[He almost says doesn't matter or change that Suzie's not here, but while both of those things are true? It's not what he means. Caesar isn't some kind of consolatory prize or something to tide Joseph over. It's not like that. He'd never say anything to Caesar in the first place if it was like that. He's also not so unimportant that it doesn't change things, it's just that there's nothing that Joseph can do about the situation to begin with. So why stress over that part of it? Holly and Jotaro on the other hand... Well, those are conversations that he'll have to have later. Maybe. He doesn't know that for sure either and he's not going to get ahead of himself just yet.]

What I know is that whatever I feel for Suzie, doesn't change the way I feel about you, or vice versa.
nextlineis: (★ all hail the outlaws)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-09 08:05 am (UTC)(link)
[Joseph nods and then tentatively begins to reach back. This is always the way it goes. It's habit. Caesar always reaches for Joseph just a little bit, like maybe he's not sure he's allowed to, until the moment they make contact. From then on out, Caesar holds on tight. Joseph hopes this will be the same. He wants it to be the same. But the context is different now, isn't it? Things shifted and changed during the party, but they've irrevocably done so from Caesar's perspective as well with Joseph telling him that he loves him and the consequences of that love can be damned for all he cares. Joseph lets their fingers slide together before curling his to hold onto Caesar's hand. His voice is softer this time when he says it.]

I love you.

[He feels like he's said it a hundred times or more already. It's possible and even likely at this point he doesn't need to say it anymore. But he keeps saying it anyway and he'll say it as many times in as many different ways as he thinks he needs to, as he wants to, or until Caesar tells him to stop. Because Joseph knows what he feels is real and it matters. And it matters that it's Caesar that he loves because Caesar matters in ways he's not sure that Caesar can really see for himself or fully understand. And that's okay. Joseph believes there will come a time when he does. It might not be in the next hour, next day, next month, or even the next year, but he'll see it eventually. He'll see himself the way Joseph does.]
nextlineis: (★ and done some disappearing)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-09 08:55 am (UTC)(link)
[Hearing Caesar say that—If I say I love you.—is enough to cause Joseph's heart to skip a beat, to feel a flutter in his stomach that doesn't feel like anxiety trying to make him throw up on the spot. It's something that makes him have to struggle against getting too far ahead of himself because if is not really the same thing as saying it. Is it? He's really not sure, but he doesn't want to put pressure even now because Joseph's sure that if he does, Caesar will shut down on some level. He'd rather not have an answer right now than have Caesar shut him out.]

If you say it then. . . Then you say it and we figure it out together from there.

[Because nothing needs to happen immediately. Maybe they'll need time for things to settle, to let it sink in that they love each other and that it's okay that they do. Maybe they'll need time to get used to the idea of being more than just friends. Those things seem just as likely to Joseph right now as the both of them jumping headlong into something they don't know quite how to define. Or maybe they do. But the specifics of what they do from that point forward doesn't matter nearly as much as that they do it together.]

But we'll do that, too, even if you don't say it or feel that way. You're always going to be my best friend, Caesar. Nothing can ever change that, remember?
nextlineis: (★ i remember everybody)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-09 09:41 am (UTC)(link)
[It's always a struggle for Joseph to be patient. He's never been good at it. He went from being an impatient child to an impatient teenager to an impatient adult. But he's learn to exert more of it. To ration it out in small pieces so that when it really counts, he can fall back on a large reserve of it. Or maybe that's not it. Maybe it's that when it really counts, he's able to find a hidden reserve. That seems more likely because as Caesar stammers and doesn't seem to know how to say what he wants to say, Joseph can only think that it's okay. It doesn't matter how long it takes, he can wait for Caesar to say what he needs to say.]

[And Caesar talks. It's just not with words.]

[Joseph inhales sharply through his nose out of surprise—which he feels completely foolish for being surprised because one things were set in motion, there really wasn't any other way it could have gone—but he kisses back almost immediately. He kisses back and he pulls Caesar closer yet to him by his shirt with his free hand because with that kiss comes the end of Joseph's patience for the space between them. It doesn't occur to Joseph to think about how he's wanted to do this for weeks. It doesn't even cross his mind that this is his first kiss. He can only think about how warm Caesar's hand is in his and the taste of his kiss and how dizzying the happiness he feels at being kissed like this is.]

[It's beyond what he had ever dared hope for. He knew this, all of it, was a distinct possibility as much as the less desirable scenarios, but he didn't dare hope for it. He didn't dare let himself get attached to the idea that Caesar would want him back, would let himself love Joseph the way Joseph loves him because if it didn't work out that way, he'd be okay in the long-run, but he would also be crushed. He'd be crushed and it would take so much longer for Joseph to be okay again because it would hurt being around Caesar. It would hurt and it would feel like they had taken twenty steps back in some ways with Caesar becoming even more hard and sharp edges than he'd been in the beginning.]

[But that's not what happened. It's never going to happen. What Joseph has instead is someone that he loves kissing him because they feel the same way. And it's so much more than that. It's Caesar allowing himself to have this, too. Joseph squeezes Caesar's hand in his lightly as his other hand lets go of Caesar's shirt in favor of cradling the back of his head. He doesn't need to say it. Joseph knows now. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, Joseph knows.]
nextlineis: (★ that this world could give)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-16 11:24 pm (UTC)(link)
[Joseph isn't sure what Caesar is asking exactly, or rather he doesn't know specifically what Caesar is asking is okay or not. He doubts it has anything to do with whether or not it's okay to kiss Joseph when they're already well past that. But asking that question means that Caesar's looking for some kind of reassurance and it seems a little impossible to provide it to him if Joseph doesn't know what he needs or wants it for in the first place.]

[There's hardly any time to think about it before Caesar is kissing him again and it seems that perhaps Joseph has found his answer in Caesar's kiss. He laughs at himself into the kiss, soft, gentle, and quiet in ways that Joseph rarely ever is. As ready as he was to try and figure out the right thing to say to let Caesar know it's okay, that's really all he needs to say. Once again, it's the simplest thing that's the best answer. He doesn't tell Caesar it's okay in words, but it's there in the way he kisses Caesar back and the way his fingers card through Caesar's hair. He doesn't treat Caesar like he's breakable, but certainly like he's important and precious to Joseph.]

[Because he simply is.]

[Joseph doesn't know if he could have managed all the things that happened back home and everything that's happened since he arrived in the city without Caesar here. Maybe he could have, but probably nowhere near close to as well as he has because Caesar's kept Joseph both distracted and secure when he's needed it. Joseph's still not really sure how much stock he puts into fate, but they're two parts of a greater whole now and they feel inevitable. But unlike all the other inevitables that have hung over Joseph's head at one point or another, this one doesn't feel scary. It feels larger than the both of them. It feels like something Joseph is a half-second away from being swept up in and losing all control over. But it's not scary.]

[Joseph's hand leaves Caesar's hair as he breaks off the kiss. For just a moment, Joseph rests his forehead on Caesar's with his eyes closed and seems perfectly content to stay just like that. He probably could. But he does open his eyes and he runs his knuckles gently along Caesar's cheek, the pad of his thumb running a light trail just behind. He doesn't bother with saying a word.]
nextlineis: (☆ with every broken bone)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-17 04:33 am (UTC)(link)
[Well, it's obvious and somewhat predictable that Caesar is trying to pretend really hard like he's not blushing. But while Joseph's willing to leave it be — teasing him about it might make him push Joseph away and all Joseph wants right now is to be close to him — he can't ignore it himself. It's... Fuck, it's really cute and Joseph can only grin crookedly about it to avoid saying so out loud. He feels like he's floating at this point though, so it's impossible for him to 100% filter himself.]

I liked that you didn't.
nextlineis: (☆ to break the rules)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-17 05:22 am (UTC)(link)
[Holy shit. Holy shit, holy shit. Hoooolyyyy shit. Joseph is almost not even sure that this is really happening right now. He's never seen Caesar be shy, not even for a second. Even when he's trying to put the moves on a girl, he's not shy for show. Not laughing was difficult before, but it's starting to become impossible now.]

[Just to give himself something else to do other than laugh, he kisses Caesar's forehead.]


Mmhm.
nextlineis: (☆ a town called suburbia)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-17 05:43 am (UTC)(link)
[He wants to do it again, too. He'd be okay if that was all they managed to do for the rest of the day. That's his first instinct.]

[But instinct isn't always the best thing to listen to in every situation and he thinks perhaps especially in this one. If he'd been listening purely to instinct, this probably would have become a mess quickly after all. So, that leaves Joseph to try and find a balance between what he wants and what will be best for the both of them right now. He's never been all that particularly good in not indulging though, so it's a hard thing for him to do and he's quiet for a long moment before he starts running his fingers through Caesar's hair again.]


I can't really tell you what's right because I'm not really sure myself, but it's okay if you need time to think, Caesar. And it's okay if you take what you want right now or whenever.

[That seems the best compromise, doesn't it? He told Caesar that nothing needed to be decided right this second and he meant it, but he can understand the pressure because he's been carrying its inverse for a month now. So, maybe it makes it easier for Caesar to give the blanket permission that he's allowed to have what he wants if he wants it. That doesn't mean he has to if he thinks that might complicate things or make it more difficult for him to figure out, but it's there much in the way that Joseph always is whenever Caesar needs him.]
nextlineis: (☆ long live us)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-17 06:21 am (UTC)(link)
[It's funny in that not-actually-funny sort of way how Caesar retreats further into Joseph's hold and against him the more uncertain he gets. He's not really sure when he became an anchor for Caesar like this. He's used to it by now, relying on Caesar to catch him before he can fall, but he's not all that used to the reverse being true.]

I want you, too, [he admits so easily that it's almost a sharp contrast to the way Caesar's speaking into Joseph's shoulder.] I want you and I want you to be happy, Caesar.
nextlineis: (★ still i'm leaving)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-17 06:35 am (UTC)(link)
[Very little of this has been all that simple, not from Joseph's perspective. He's had to carefully consider how to tell Caesar, when to tell him. He's had to think about the potential consequences beyond just the context of their friendship. Really, the only simple thing of it was knowing what he feels. And it's knowing that without a doubt that helped Joseph get through the other parts. Or rather still getting through the other parts since this is far from resolved.]

[So maybe that's Caesar's simple part. Maybe the simple part to him is knowing exactly what he wants and not having to question the motivation behind it. Maybe having that part, knowing it, will help Caesar figure the rest out when he's ready.]

[One thing Joseph thinks for certain though is that he doesn't need to worry about what might come after this. Caesar, no matter what, is going to be there. Wherever he lands, whatever he decides, Joseph doesn't have to worry about him just evaporating and disappearing like he was never there. He doesn't think Caesar would or could do something that would ultimately devastate Joseph, but he thinks what Caesar wants will certainly keep him there in the long-run, too.]

[Joseph smiles.]


Funny, [he says, placing only a quick peck to Caesar's lips at first.] Me, too.

[And that's all he's willing to spare before he really kisses Caesar this time, hand falling out of his hair again in favor of holding his cheek, fingers lightly curled.]
nextlineis: (☆ let your words be)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-17 07:14 am (UTC)(link)
[He likes it a lot more than he thought he would. Which seems like an incredible feat because Joseph was pretty sure kissing Caesar senseless was going to be one of the more incredible things he's ever done, but it somehow manages to push right past all of those expectations to go above and beyond. He likes all the little waves Caesar gives and gives in from the way he presses against Joseph to the way he can only seem to take a second, maybe two, before he has to kiss Joseph again.]

[Joseph feels like his heart is going a million miles an hour, and for once, it's not in a bad way. It's not nerves. Right now, Joseph's got a feeling similar to just waking up from a good nap when you're still wrapped up in blankets and don't have anywhere to be or anything to do until you're damn well ready. Only better. All of this is just better. So much better. He never knew being wanted like this could feel this good or make him this happy, but maybe he just never realized how important it was to have the right person.]

[He bends down a little, breaking off the kiss for a moment and getting a hold on the back of Caesar's thighs to lift him up and set him on the counter since he's leaning on it anyway. It puts them on a little more even height and Joseph finds changes their kisses in little ways that Joseph's pretty sure he'd overlook if he wasn't paying attention to it. He leaves one hand on Caesar's knee, as the other comes to rest on Caesar's chest before kissing him again.]
nextlineis: (★ look in the mirror)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-17 07:26 pm (UTC)(link)
[Joseph wasn't entirely sure what was going to follow after that you, but he supposes almost immediately that it doesn't really matter because Caesar bites his lip and then he's kissing Joseph again like that's the only thing in the world that matters. Maybe it is. Joseph's willing to let it be the only thing that matters if that's how things are. After all, who is he to disagree with something like that?]

[They've touched so much since Joseph came to the city. So many countless times they've held onto each other in some form or fashion, trying to be as close to each other as the other will allow, as they dare. Joseph doesn't think that every time was for the sake of security and safety. Sometimes it was simply to be close to one another. But now, in some ways, it feels like they can't get close enough. Joseph leans in closer as they kiss, his hand on Caesar's knee moving up along his thigh to rest at his waist. It's all new places to touch because even as it seemed like they'd touched all there was to touch, there were still some things neither one of them had dared to before now. Joseph hums softly as his hand leaves Caesar's chest to run his fingers along the slope of Caesar's neck and the jut of his collarbone peaking out from the collar of his shirt. He wants to memorize it. He wants to memorize every inch of Caesar's body, the way it feels under his fingertips. It's not because he's fearful he won't get another chance, but he wants something to remember when they're not this close to each other. Because that part — separating again — is simply inevitable sooner or later. Hopefully later. Much later.]
nextlineis: (☆ i shake it off i shake it off)

[personal profile] nextlineis 2016-04-17 08:08 pm (UTC)(link)
[This is so different from the way Caesar normally is. It's not that Caesar has such a tight control over himself that he never relaxes — though it is admittedly very rare to get him to relax all the way without a lot of effort going into it — but he always, always has a filter. He doesn't think about and choose what he's going to say before he says it, but he doesn't let everything that comes to mind slip out. That's more Joseph's thing.]

[And yet here he is, stammering at times and saying whatever comes to mind off the cuff instead of investing thought into whether or not it's okay to say it in the first place. Joseph can't keep the grin off his face even as he turns his head a little to kiss the pad of Caesar's thumb.]


Do I?

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