mylegacy | ic inbox / drift fleet

[Elena can't help it, she has to laugh at the wide array of questions. If there's one thing Caesar has proven himself to be very good at, it's getting her to laugh.]

You know a lot of people from my decade would probably say the same about your music, [she teases. Not that anybody complained. They sure did love their decade dances in Mystic Falls, okay.] But I don't know. It got really complicated after my parents died. I always used to write everything I wasn't willing to say out loud in my diary and I just...

[She shrugs a little.]

I didn't want to leave anything unsaid anymore.

[He has to laugh a little at that - not at her, more at himself.]

Keeping secrets is really compelling until you realize how heavy they are, gathered together over your head like that.

Tell me about it. [Elena shakes her head a little.] It's felt like... Like at times there wasn't anything in my life that wasn't some big secret.

[Which she knows can easily sound like teenage hyperbole, but in her case? There's a lot of truth to that. It seems like she's about to uncover some other secret about herself, about her family, about her blood, or about the people around her. And it's never the little stuff. It's always something that seems to change everything.]

[On the one hand, it does sound like teenage hyperbole. On the other hand, Caesar is not as old as he likes to act, and his teenage years were fairly dramatic themselves, so he's very much inclined to believe her.]

[He's quiet for a moment, considering his words carefully. But who better to be honest with than someone who's trusting you with their troubles? Maybe his story can provide her with insight, maybe not, but at least it might make her feel less alone.]

[Sighing, he pushes his hair out of his face and nods slightly; yes, he understands.]

My . . . father left us when I was ten. I didn't know why. Nobody had ever told me, or any of us, about our family legacy. So I thought he just left because he didn't want us anymore.

What really happened was that he left to do what Zeppelis do - to fight monsters, to keep people safe. I can't help thinking that if that hadn't been a secret . . . I was young, but I would have understood.

. . . I know what you mean. That's what I'm trying to say.

Edited 2015-10-08 10:43 (UTC)

[There's a look in Elena's eye that says she recognizes at least part of that story for herself. And... she just has to quietly marvel a moment at what are the chances? What are the actual chances that two people from different times and likely worlds could possibly have that much overlap in their histories?]

I found out the same thing, [she says, slowly,] about my parents. I didn't find out until after they died. But...

[There's a shame that Elena carries both for herself and some of the things her parents did. It's not that the truth has...tainted the image of them, but it's complicated it. She already had hard enough time reconciling her life, what she's become, with the girl her parents had left behind. But it gets that much harder knowing what they did.]

[Her smile is thin, reflexive, and practiced.]

I didn't follow in the family business, obviously. I, uh... [Another hesitation as she looks away for a moment, trying to decide how she should explain and how much she should explain. She thinks back to her conversation with Stefan, about keeping it secret from everyone. There has to come a point where she tells someone, right? Looking at Caesar, she doesn't think he would freak out. At the very least, he wouldn't tell anyone. She hopes, anyway. Elena swallows thickly, feeling her heart is ready to beat out of her chest.] I guess you could say I went the opposite direction.

Not by choice, but, [her smile turns a little grim.] It happened.

[It's . . . obvious, so obvious, that she's preparing to say something important to him. That she wants to share a secret. He's given her one, so maybe she feels like it's safe to give one back. Maybe she trusts him.]

[Maybe she trusts him more than she should.]

[He never even thought - he knew there was at least one, but that one doesn't keep it secret, that one doesn't pretend to be something she's not. Why would you keep it secret if you didn't--]

[She never actually said vampire. She didn't. But he's looking at her and there's something in her eyes, and maybe it's just because he is so desperately fixated, but he thinks of it and how the last thing he ever saw was cold judgmental eyes through the blood in his own, and he wonders how much power there is in this girl he gave a seashell to one day in the sand and the surf.]

[It occurs to him, as his fingers go cold, that he is afraid.]

[This probably shows. He's normally quite capable of maintaining a neutral-to-cold exterior, but he can feel his lip tremble just once and has to deliberately hook his thumbs into his pockets. Not by choice, she says, and he focuses on that, not by choice, and she hasn't hurt anyone. He would have found out.]

[All right. Okay. He's going to - do this. It'll be fine. He sighs sharply and nods, okay, okay, not by choice, but it happened.]

. . . I'm sorry. I'm - surprised. He - they killed my father.

[He doesn't know how to explain it better than that. He just doesn't know.]

You want this secret, yes? From . . . people like me.

[On the surface, to anyone who doesn't have heightened senses, Caesar looks relatively calm. There's a little bit of a somewhat prolonged beat of silence that starts to edge towards uncomfortable before Caesar sighs and seems to let that settle enough to speak again. For most people, they probably wouldn't have noticed, but Elena does. She hears that spike in his heartrate, sees the way his pupils dilate, and that subtle change in his scent. Fear comes off Caesar in waves that he's not even aware of, but as a predatory creature Elena can't help but be specifically tuned towards.]

[But it doesn't inspire a bloodlust like it might in others like her. Maybe Elena's too young of a vampire to make that clear distinction between her species and humanity yet, but she instantly feels a pang of what she can only describe as "not good" in her chest. It flashes through her mind that maybe this was a mistake. She wants to look away. Elena isn't the sort of person who ever would have gotten off on making someone feel the way Caesar does, but she makes herself look because she feels he deserves that much. He deserves her bravery, not cowardice.]

I'm sorry. About your father.

[It might seem like an empty thing to say, but she means it. It's not how her parents died, but she understands what it's like to lose a parent too soon and being left with more questions than answers. And it's important for her to say because no matter what, she's kicked up feelings about that loss.]

I've been avoiding telling people in general, [she confesses. Elena wants to say because people tend to think the worst, they tend to be terrified. But it seems like calling him out on something he hasn't explicitly shared with her.] I haven't hurt anyone here. I'm not going to. I don't want to. The only people I've hurt... The first person I killed was because he was trying to kill my brother. I didn't...

[She almost says she didn't mean to. Which is both completely true and false at the same time. She didn't really want to kill him. She felt horrible afterwards. She still feels horrible about it.]

My emotions are heightened. Everything I would have felt before, I feel longer and more intensely. I was never the sort of person who hurt people let alone killed them as a human, so as a vampire... [Elena licks her lips.] I had a really rough time for a while. Something--[Her voice catches and she draws a steadying breath before trying again and pressing on.] I lost my little brother for a while. And I couldn't handle it. He was the last piece of my family and it was my job to protect him, but I screwed up and he paid the price for it.

I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did. I did some really terrible things. And I still think about it sometimes. But I hate it. I hate knowing that's something I did and I can't take it back. No amount of wishing will ever let me take it back. It's part of me now.

But I would never willingly and I don't want to hurt anyone here. I haven't fed on a human being since around two years ago and I don't plan on starting again. I was using bags of blood before I ended up here and take a pill every day that's enough. I don't have cravings, I don't freak out at the sight or smell of blood, and I'm in control.

[This, he decides quickly, is horrible.]

[What takes him longer is figuring out why it's horrible. He's afraid, he knows he is, but after the first burst of adrenaline it's far off and abstract, a thing he should be feeling and is used to feeling, nothing more. On some level he does know, he does understand, that Elena is no threat to him, that she doesn't follow the rules he knows, that if she was going to hurt him - hurt anyone - she would have done it already.]

[He knows that. He does. Which makes it easier, much easier, to calm down. But it doesn't make it any easier to find the answer for himself.]

[It takes him the whole journey of her story, the abridged version of her life as a self-described monster, past the death of her brother and the deaths that she caused and the way that she hates what she's done, for him to figure it out. The reason that this is awful isn't because she's saying awful things - awful things she's done, awful things that have been done to her.]

[What makes this awful is that she is defending her right to exist to him, as though it's his choice whether she lives or dies, as though it's his job to pass some kind of judgment on her.]

[Maybe before, he would have thought it was. Maybe. Now . . .]

[He isn't capable of passing judgment on anyone or anything. He's barely capable of keeping control of himself. He's less powerful than she is, but other than that, they're not so different - or if they are, they're different because she knows how to control her monster.]

[I don't want to hurt anyone here. That's the difference. Because some days, he does.]

[It's a struggle to figure out what to say to all this. So he doesn't bother. He does something that's maybe selfish and maybe cruel and maybe unfair instead, and sweeps her up in his arms, not tight but secure, because he is his father's son but sometimes, maybe, he can stop and think for two seconds at a time.]

I know you are. [It's very quiet, solemn, about as unemotional as he gets - a statement of fact rather than one of opinion. He doesn't think she is, he knows she is.] Anybody who can't see that isn't looking.

[I'm looking.]

[There's a sharp, surprised intake of air when Caesar gathers her up in his arms. She's not sure what exactly she'd been expecting, but this didn't really cross her mind. For a moment, Elena is simply still.]

[She can't remember the last time she felt safe. Being the latest Petrova doppelganger, Elena supposes she never really has been safe from the moment she was born. But she felt it at one point because of the sacrifices her parents (the ones she knew and the ones she only recently learned of) and others made for her sake. Technically speaking, she'd felt it for longer than she hadn't, but it doesn't seem that way. Her blood or the secrets she's had to carry have made it impossible. It's been one thing to the next, one danger after another, that's made safety a thing of the past and pushed it so far back it seems like it belonged to someone she used to know instead.]

[But she feels it right now. She knows it's safety that she feels here and now. So why the hesitation? Partially because Elena feels like it might shatter if she's not careful and partially because she's not even sure if it's real. But it stays in those slow seconds of hesitation, and it's enough for her to work up the nerve to wrap her arms slowly around Caesar in return, fingers bunching his shirt up a little. Elena has had so many people in her life attempt to protect her and who care about her, but this feels different. She's not being looked after as a piece or part of something else. It's just her. It's just her and she is safe.]

Thank you.

[For coming here. For protecting her secret. For not being afraid of her. For trusting her.]

[It's probably telling that what Caesar chose to share is they killed my father and not they killed me. The truth of the matter is that he's good - excellent - at keeping other people safe, making them feel secure, but when it comes to himself, he still isn't convinced that he matters. It didn't occur to him to say they killed me; why would he? It happened, sure, but that's not what matters to him.]

[It doesn't occur to him to tell her about the nightmares, either, but that's for a different reason. This moment of safety is for her, not him. Maybe next time it will be for him (probably not, he probably won't let it, but maybe), but now it's for her. She called him, he came for her, so this is for her.]

[Her fingers grasp at his shirt in the end, and he doesn't smile, but his fierce look softens by a fraction where he leans over her shoulder. She is small next to him but she feels big and important, and his hands rest in the middle of her back, just under her ribcage, where the body stops doing such a good job protecting you and where he always held his sisters.]

No thank-yous. Just - maybe thank me by telling me if someone jumps to conclusions, Elena. Let me help.

Okay...

[For someone who tries to help other people all the time, who would willingly give her life for them without a second thought? Elena has an incredibly hard time accepting help herself. It feels too much like she's asking for things she might always necessarily deserve even if she couldn't provide you with explicit reasons why she supposedly doesn't deserve them. It comes even worse when it's someone like Caesar who can't possibly protect her to the extent and degree that he might want to. Not just because Elena would struggle to allow him, but because he's human. Humans have limits. Vampires do, too, but not quite as severe as humans do.]

[Elena thinks of Matt and her heart aches a little. His life has never been easy, but it's only grown more complicated and difficult because of her, because of everything that being her friend has brought into his life. And yet, he's never complained. He's only tried to stand by her side, tried to deal with as much as he can in any way he knows he can. Elena can't help but worry that history is repeating itself here even though it seems like some of this crap has already been in Caesar's life for a while now. Even if it couldn't possibly be her fault, she still feels like it might.]

[She has to say it again, a little firmer and with more conviction.]

Okay. I will.

[She doesn't say thank you again even though she wants to. Two words over and over again until they grow and blossom to mean more than themselves and wilt into meaningless phonemes. But he asks her not to, so she doesn't. She lets it be at a promise to at least try and let him help when she might need it. Which means maybe she needs to be a little more honest.]

There's... There's something else you should know. It's about someone else on the Fleet. [Elena pulls back some, but not enough to leave his arms. She doesn't feel quite ready for that just yet.] I don't... I don't really know how to explain it in a way that makes any kind of sense and without spilling some of his secrets, but there's really no one else I can talk to about this.

His name is Stefan Salvatore, but he might have introduced himself as Stefan Alesci if you met him. He's from my world, but he's been somewhere else and lost a lot of his memory of who he used to be before. I guess there was a point where he thought he was Stefan Alesci completely, but he's been slowly getting the memories back.

He was... [She pauses, trying to find the right word when a reflexive, soft puff of laughter crops up with a memory. It hurts a little to think about now, both because of the current situation and reflecting back on how things fell apart between them.] He was my epic love.

[He can tell it's hard for her. He couldn't precisely say how he can tell; maybe it's something about her tone or the way she tenses up just a little in his arms or because she has to say it twice, like she's trying to convince herself. One of those things, or just instinct, maybe.]

[It doesn't matter how he knows. Just that he does - that they're the same in this way, too, and that helps convince him that he's doing the right thing.]

[Someone else, she says, and he pulls away just slightly, puts his hands on her shoulders and looks at her with narrow-eyed concern. Someone else on the Fleet. Someone dangerous, maybe, someone she thinks he needs to be aware of at least. He isn't expecting Stefan's name; his fingers flex without tightening on her shoulders when he hears it.]

I met him. He . . . we're working on the, I don't remember what he called it. The religious center, on the Iskaulit.

[Working together. He gets the feeling he should regret that, maybe; she says epic love but she says was, too, and the way she's saying all of this, there's more instinct here, that he did something and he hurt her and that, that is not permissible.]

So he knows about you, too, [he says, as gently as he can manage, because asking about the other things - the things she wants to tell him, the things she'll have to tell him slowly - would be too cruel.] Is that right?

[Elena nods slowly.]

He does. He doesn't know everything.

[Although it's hard to say what he does and doesn't know, she can say that much. There are definitely still gaps in his memory of her, of them. It's going to be things that either time will fill in or she will, and there's a number of feelings that arise at that thought, but she pushes them aside.]

But he knew enough to lie to me. He pretended like nothing was wrong. But he always had this tattoo on his shoulder... [Elena briefly gestures to her own.] We got caught out in a rainstorm and I noticed the tattoo was missing. I think he tried to lie about what happened to it, but he came clean with everything.

[And that frankly doesn't mean as much to her as Stefan probably would like for it to. Telling the truth after lying (and lying about something that important) doesn't make the lying go away or okay.]

He said being around me helped him remember more. Until he spoke to me, the only thing he could remember is that I can't cook and that we dated. Memories started coming back to him that he didn't have the first time we talked on the Fleet. He has his tattoo back and he's trying really hard to be the Stefan I know, but...

[Elena shakes her head a little. It's just not the same. She's worried it will never be the same while simultaneously worrying it will be exactly the same.]

He still doesn't know everything about us or about himself. I'm worried.

[He knew enough to lie to me.]

[Which means he was right. He is not as thrilled about being right at the moment as he usually is. His mouth twists into a tight frown as he nods, rests his hand at the small of her back even though they've made a little space between them.]

[It's not as though he's perfect. He's lied to people before, girls especially. But not . . . like this, in a situation that's life-and-death, a situation this dangerous. Not like this, with his epic love.]

Why do you think he lied?

[Wait, no, that's not the question he meant to ask. He shakes his head sharply, fixes her with an intent look.]

That's not - you don't have to answer that. What I meant was--

What is it that you're worried about? What do you think is going to happen?

[Elena knows the reason why Stefan lied. Or at least the reason he believes and provided her with. It's... It's just not as clear to Elena whether or not it's actually true. Was he honestly trying to protect her or himself? Since she doesn't have a clear answer, she doesn't answer that question. It's probably not the best thing to leave so ambiguous to Caesar because he doesn't really know Stefan. Or at least not the Stefan that loved Elena for so long. It's hard to say how many of those rules apply to the Stefan that's here and now anyway.]

[But she doesn't want to give Caesar answers she can't really be certain of how true it is. And she hates how much doubt she has to carry about that as well, but it's what Stefan's given her as unfortunate as it is.]

I'm breaking the rules here telling you, but... [Elena draws a steadying breath.] The Stefan I know, the guy I loved, he'd want someone else to know.

[Someone who could handle it.]

Stefan's a vampire. He's older than me by well over one hundred years, but he doesn't have the same amount of control I do. Stefan's what's known as a ripper where I'm from. Rippers are vampires that lose control so much they end up tearing heads off their victims. It's not something he enjoys doing later, but in the moment Stefan's just focused on feeding even with his humanity on.

He doesn't crave blood like he would normally right now. He's craving tea instead. I think that's just because he doesn't remember it. But the second he does, it'll come back just like his tattoo.

I don't know how he's going to control it this time and I don't know how to tell him about it. He's not... [Elena shakes her head a little.] I don't know if he's gotten the emotional intensity yet, but vampires feel everything a lot more than humans do. Stefan Salvatore is used to living with the guilt of what he's done. He can handle it.

Stefan Alesci isn't and I don't know if he can.

[He asked her to let him know when he could help, and he meant that. He just didn't expect that need to come immediately. It startles him, not because he isn't entirely ready to do what needs to be done - he wouldn't have offered if he wasn't - but because he thought she would need more time to think about it, to decide whether or not to trust him with this additional piece. He also didn't expect there to be a crisis immediately, but with vampires, he probably should have.]

[There's zero question in his mind, though. She needs him, so he's here for her. He'll drop everything to protect her, and by extension everyone, from the wreckage that has the potential to explode across the Fleet as a result of carelessness.]

[It's what he's supposed to do. It's what his father would have wanted.]

[Still, maybe there's some small part of him that thought it was over, and maybe that one small part of him is - a little disappointed.]

[He looks at her carefully, his gaze intent but not quite sharp. It's businesslike, really. He's never had a conversation like this before, but it seems like he has from the way he holds himself; it seems commonplace, when half of his mind is occupied with the thought of cold fingers and dizziness and blood in his eyes.]

So you don't think you can tell him, at least not yet, but that doesn't make him any less potentially dangerous.

If he does remember it, if he remembers and gets overwhelmed and starts to feed. You want me to . . . ?

[He's asking, but on some horrible level, her answer doesn't matter. There's one choice and one choice only. That's just the way it is.]

[God, he's tired.]

[Elena shakes her head a little. He doesn't have to finish that sentence for her to know what he means, what he thinks has to be done. (That he has to do.) But that's not the only option. She knows from experience that it is an option, but it doesn't have to be the first or only. She can still do something to save Stefan from himself. She's done it more than enough times by now. One more time wouldn't be asking too much.]

I want your help in containing him, [she corrects with a small shake of her head.] I don't know how vampires in your world work, but vampires like us start to desiccate if we don't feed. If he dries out for a little while, he'll be weaker and easier to help.

It'll just be trapping him that'll be a little difficult without vervain. But all we'd have to do is something like break his neck. It'd be enough to knock him out for a few hours.

He can come back from it. I know he can.

[Ah. Right, of course. Some people don't have to fight for their lives all the time. For some people, death isn't their first instinct.]

[His expression goes blank and unreadable for a few moments. More than anything, it's because he's jealous of her compassion. What a bizarre thing to be. But after a while, he nods.]

If that's what you want me to do, then that's what I'll do.

Are you sure?

[Unlike some people might be in asking a question like that, Elena is sincere. She doesn't want to put Caesar in a position where he has to do something he's not fully comfortable with doing. She doesn't have the right to do that and would never try to pretend as though it were otherwise.]

I'm sure.

[And, because it's Elena, he . . . actually does want to explain. So.]

It's important to me to protect the people I care about. If this is how I can do that, then it's what I want to do.

[Her smile is a little faint, a little weak, but not disingenuous. Elena glances down for a moment.]

Thank you, Caesar.

[For making her feel safe.]

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