mylegacy | ic inbox ( ruby city )

I meant it when I said I didn't want to hurt him.

I didn't plan ahead all that well for once. I made a mistake, and it blew up in everyone's face.

So if you want to be angry about that, go ahead.

I don't know if I'm angry or not.

[...]

I can probably understand that.

[If anyone upset Jotaro like that, Kakyoin would be beating the living hell out of them. But if it was Caesar, and an accidental trainwreck like this...he really wouldn't know what to do.]

I'm tired, Kakyoin. If it were anyone but you--

Look, I don't want to be angry with you. Even if it's easier.

I know. You may not believe me, but if it were Jotaro and anyone else but you in this situation, I'd be throttling them right now.

I'll leave you both alone for a while if that makes it less difficult. I can't make it easier at this point, just

[. . .]

not as complicated.

. . . What will that accomplish? Loneliness.

I'm used to that.

Don't fuck around, Kakyoin, that's not what I asked.

What does it matter what it would accomplish? If I'm the one that caused this whole fucking mess by not bothering to think about what I was doing, I should be the one to back off until everyone decides whether or not I'm worth the trouble at all.

Jotaro told me he loved you.

[...oh. Okay. That's. A thing.]

He was telling the truth, we're together and dating. What does that have to do with this?

Then you're insulting him when you say that. Like you think he'd settle for someone who isn't worth the trouble.

[. . .]

You're right. I guess I can't really explain it.

I trust him and his judgment absolutely. It isn't that I doubt him or think he'd settle for less; I just don't see this the way that he does.

How do you see it?

Do you want me to be completely honest? Because you'll probably find me completely insufferable if I am.

If I didn't want the answer, I wouldn't have asked the question. Like I said - don't fuck around.

I would guess that a lot of people look in a mirror and just see themselves, without any real thoughts on the matter.

I look in the mirror and see someone that only knows how to fail when it matters the most. These scars on my face and my screwed up eyesight are because I got into a childish and stupid argument with a friend in the middle of a fight. And believe me, there's a hell of a lot more than just those two. It's always been failure after failure after failure with me, and after a while one starts to think that all they can do is fail.

And every time I look at Hierophant, all I can think of is that I've always been different from everyone else. That I didn't have a place with 'normal' people that didn't have Stands, and now I-

-'I don't belong here, either' is what I keep thinking. I'm a Kakyoin, not a Joestar. My parents are an artist and a teacher, not vampire hunters or Hamon masters. Even now, I'm still different from everyone around me and i don't have any right to involve myself with this family.

Jojo would argue with all of that. He'd probably be livid. He'll insist I'm not a failure and that I belong with this family as much as any of them, and as far as he's concerned he'd be right about all of it.

That doesn't change that I can't see the same 'Noriaki Kakyoin' he does.

[Because I got into a childish and stupid argument with a friend.]

[For a while, he doesn't respond. Can't, because he's bent almost double, elbows on his knees, pinching the bridge of his nose until he sees stars. He doesn't want to replay this same shit over and over in his head, but the fact is he always will, won't he, there will always be something to bring it back. He will never be happy. He might as well get used to it.]

I died because I was more invested in keeping unnecessary secrets than telling my only living friend the truth.

At least if you're a failure you're not alone.

I think all of us keeping unnecessary secrets is an unfortunate trend that keeps screwing us over.

[He'd kept more than his share of them, after all.]

I don't really know how to do anything else.

I guess finding someone worth confiding in is as good a start as any. Even if it ends up feeling like you're just dropping everything on them.

I've told ~~Jojo~~ Jotaro most of mine. Probably all of them, at this point.

I didn't want to tell Jojo anything. Joseph. I wanted it to be mine, at least until I won. But there's no "at least until" if you don't win. And it wasn't me who told him in the end in any case.

I said I hated you before he came here because it felt like you were one of them. I hate them. I still do. Maybe more now. But I'm not angry with you.

I'm sorry. Not for seeming like I was one of them whether I am or not, I mean--I'm sorry that something obviously important was just given away like that.

Either way I would understand if you were angry with me, honestly.

You and Jotaro keep saying that. Sorry for something you didn't do. I don't understand it.

It's sympathy, not an apology. 'I'm sorry that someone did that, because that's a fucked up thing to do and you don't deserve it'.

But if that's too close to pity, I'll drop it. I know I hate that kind of thing myself.

bothers you everywhere

sidehugs u

wheee

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